... - 2005-01-23
. - 2005-01-23
=( - 2004-05-17
ip - 2004-04-16
berlin - 2004-03-14
2003-03-10 @ 12:18
Ok, so I'm home from school today. Took too many dulcolax yesterday, 23. I feel awfull right now. Been at the bathroom this morning, yack! But my weight goes further down. It was 95.5 this morning:-) I don't know how that can be possible. Lose 4 pounds over night?!? My scale has to be broken. I guess I gained because I ate 3 slices of pizza "grandiosa" before I went to bed. So I think I have gained 4 pounds instead of lost 4 pounds. Aren't u agree? Fuck! That means that I'm up to 103.5! Wow, thats way too much. I have to lose more weight. I'm like a hippopotamus. I can't even feel my spine clearly because of the fat. I want to be a skeleton!
After I went to bed last night I started to cut again. I've had a break for 1 week now, while I was in the mountains. But when I'm home again and back to normal, I always do what I always do. And when I'm in my bed, the bed I'm used to, and I know my razorblades are in the bureau next to my bed, it's too tempting. I can't resist. I have to cut. Get some real pain, see my bones and bleed ot some fat and dirt. My disgusting body has to be punished. It deserve to be in pain!
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Today I feel:
I wanna have control
I wanna perfect body
I wanna perfect soul
I want you to notice
When I'm not around
So fucking special
I wish I was special
But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here.
~Creep - Radiohead~
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